Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
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Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place