Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
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I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
house sitting!
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?