“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
You Might Also Like
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
then why did i get this email
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.