@thatdutchperson Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
@BatBatshitcrazy Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
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@thatdutchperson 
@AddledPixie Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
@JohnLyonTweets My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
@joeljeffrey Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
@gemmacorrell @Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
@ValeeGrrl 6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
@XennDad My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
@WilliamAder I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
@JB1971_ Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
@E_lok44 A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!