don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
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Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand