DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
RT if you could go either way.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too