Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
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the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I’m tired tomorrow.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”