Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
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A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?