Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
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When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.