Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
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Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
#merica
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then