Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
You Might Also Like
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.