@MarieColette

Don’t you hate it when you use your phone as a dildo and accidentally pussy dial someone?

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@toxicwasted27

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

@PAT_E_ROCK

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

@noog

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

@SteveSuckington

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

@Home_Halfway

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

@mydmac

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

@MrEmilyHeller

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

@ch000ch

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

@usedwigs

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.