Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
You Might Also Like
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Livid.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
This did not end as expected.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them