Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
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MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Bootstraps
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen