Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
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*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Facebook Twitter
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Goat cheese is for herders.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.