Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
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If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.