Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.