Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
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My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.