Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
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Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
my mom making me talk to relatives
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!