@TragicAllyHere

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

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@thedad

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

@Carter_TCB

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

@clichedout

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

@internetluke

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

@jturnerdds

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

@ChrisHallbeck

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

@rickolantern

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

@JillianKarger

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

@ddsmidt

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational