Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

You Might Also Like


Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.


I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.


Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda


[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man


I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.


Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread


Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.


[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day


Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.