Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
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UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
$3 #books
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I feel this so hard
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”