Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
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It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report