Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
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Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
When I asked for my wife鈥檚 hand in marriage, I didn鈥檛 realize how often I鈥檇 just get the finger.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here鈥檚 why we don鈥檛 do that.
This BMI chart says I鈥檓 starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he鈥檚 gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn鈥檛 have amnesia. She owes you money.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 馃槀
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 馃檪 it appears that we鈥檙e all in this togeth-
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn鈥檛 want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
me: i鈥檓 so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?