Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
You Might Also Like
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.