Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
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Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I need to update my racial profile.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.