Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs