*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
