Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
step 6: release the wall snake
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Spa day..😅
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”