@XplodingUnicorn

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

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@Darlainky

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

@joeljeffrey

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

@DanMentos

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

@ArfMeasures

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

@TragicAllyHere

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

@ComicLover_94

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

@sweetmomissa

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

@ChrissieM10

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.