Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

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“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.


Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.


[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*


“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors


I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.


One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…


Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.


Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.