Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
You Might Also Like
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
When someone trying to leave me
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
TODAY