*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
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A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em