Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.