*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
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Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy