[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
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The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now