[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
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1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
pls suprot
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this