[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
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righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
i can’t wait that long
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.