DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
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Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Terribly Tuesday.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”