Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
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THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.