Doormats are a gateway rug.
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Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
water it, i dare you
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.