@ladymisskate

Doormats are a gateway rug.

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@UrPalWilly

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

@Rollinintheseat

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

@kiralc

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

@causticbob

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

@Genevieve0404

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

@joci2203

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

@sexncake

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

@faeIov

where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away