“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
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Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants