Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
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Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
We decided to have money instead of children.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.