Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
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[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?