Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
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My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol