@TheToddWilliams

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

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@mommajessiec

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

@dundlewood

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

@SJKSalisbury

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

@dinokitten

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

@ItsMeHelenMary

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

@SaveItForFest

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

@Parentpains

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

@Tmoney68

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

@TheHyyyype

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

@HousewifeOfHell

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.