Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
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Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.