*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
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“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?