Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
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Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
#Thanos #MondayMood
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”