Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
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wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.