Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Whisper out to librarians!

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus