@CornOnTheGoblin [walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
@Julian_Deane Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
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@CornOnTheGoblin 
@bingowings14 My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
@BuckyIsotope Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
@ScottLinnen Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
@NoLuckWanted I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
@Thing_Finder So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
@mortimermaiden I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
@ThisOneSayz Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
@GrantTanaka wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
@fro_vo *looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™