Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

You Might Also Like


[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]


My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.


Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased


I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.


I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.


Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.


wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what


*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™