Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
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Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
PARKOUR
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Meanwhile in Portland…
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me