“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
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Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume