“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
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I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money