@torrami

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

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@malcolmsparks

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

@mattgallo123

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

@UnFitz

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

@WheelTod

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

@SufficientCharm

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

@1Happytwit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

@Versacheetos

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

@TheWidowmakerX

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

@laurcunn

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

@Sims_was_here

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk