Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
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wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe