Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

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Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”


I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.


Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*


I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.


A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.


Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.


Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*


“how can you be single?”


gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out


My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.


My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk