@malcolmsparks Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
@torrami Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
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@malcolmsparks 
@mattgallo123 I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
@UnFitz Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
@WheelTod I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
@SufficientCharm A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
@1Happytwit Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
@Versacheetos Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
@TheWidowmakerX “how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
@laurcunn My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
@Sims_was_here My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk