Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
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We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
“I’m helping” 😅
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Finally
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
*orders delivery*
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*