dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
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nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?