*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
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me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Spotted in New Orleans.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
*exercises sarcastically*
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Whoa… oh I see lol
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.