Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
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Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Good dog. ❤️
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.