DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
You Might Also Like
remember
only for emergencies
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
…..pretty much.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else